The real me

I figured my first blog post should be about everyone getting to know me and knowing my intentions on starting this blog. I am determined to make people realize they are not alone in this crazy world. We all have negative thoughts in our own mind that we deal with, some more than others. I will be fully open about what my feelings are, because I know I am not the only one who feels so intensely about the things I do. I would love others to feel safe to talk about their feelings as well and to feel loved. I want to show people my life isn't perfect, but I'm trying my best. You only see what others what you to see on social media which is mostly the good parts, but I'm human I make mistakes, I have my negative moments, my insecurities that I'm going to show you.

I've been trying to think how to put everything I've been through the past few years into words or debating on even saying anything at all. I've thought about leaving some details out, not knowing if I'm for sure ready, but I know it may help some people so here I go. I graduated high school at 16 years old, a happy and determined girl who had her mind set to join the military. I signed my contract of 5 years to the US Navy when I was 17 so excited for this new chapter in my life, to go on new adventures, meet new faces. I was always known as the girl who was always laughing or always had a smile on her face, but little did I know that would soon change. I got through bootcamp and school in a breeze, in Great Lakes. Then I received my orders to my first duty station which would be in San Diego, CA. I was still new to the concept of being in the military and not knowing really what to expect I was placed on a destroyer with about 350 people (only about 35 or so females including officers). Being a female in the military can be aggravating at times, always surrounded by men and also you expect all the females to stick together, they don't. The ship is worse than high school everybody talks about everybody whether they know you or not. Within the first month I had numerous rumors made about me, none in which were true so I did what anyone else would do and just ignored them. I didn't know who to trust from the start. So there I was left alone, I would work, go to the gym, then go sit alone in my barracks. As I was starting to adjust to things I ended up making a friend and we started hanging out nothing more until one night something happened that changed everything. I didnt know what to do, I was in denial, I was never put in a situation like this before.. I was sexually assaulted and didn't tell anyone. I kept it to myself until it ate at me for months and tore me down, I lost relationships, I was losing myself.. I was broken. I got blamed, I blamed myself for being there, for being so stupid to trust someone, for thinking someone just wanted to be my friend. For about 3 months I kept it all in and acted like everything was normal to the few friends I met on the ship until I went home on leave and I couldn't take it anymore.. I was so hurt and the guilt ate at me for not being able to tell people I loved. Like I said I lost relationships, I distanced myself from everyone.. if I was asked to go out I would try to go, physically I was there but mentally I wasn't. I couldn't wait to go back to the barracks and be alone and just cry, but I wanted to be invited out. I felt like a bother, like I wasn't wanted, like everything and everyone would be so much better without me. In April 2017, something triggered me, I broke down I had an axiety attack it was hard to breath, my legs didnt have the strength to stand and walk. They took me to the emergency room that day and I spoke with some counselors. I denied medication, because I have people close to me who have attempted suicide by overdosing and to be honest that's the way I was thinking about going about it too. I thought it would be better if I didn't have it in my possession, but as the days and weeks went by I felt weaker and weaker and more like I just didnt want to live this life anymore. I sat on my bed always thinking to myself it would be better if I wasn't here, but I watched someone close to me lose their son and I couldn't do that to my parents or anyone else that does care for me. I'd rather suffer than have anyone else suffer. It's crazy I know people care about me, maybe people dont call you every day or even every week, they have their own lives, but it's a battle with your own mind. Just like being insecure, people may give me compliments, but they dont mean anything unless you believe it yourself. Your mind is a powerful thing and I'm in a constant battle with myself. People may go through the same situations, but it effects each individual differently. Something may not upset you, but may upset someone else for months. I continued going to counseling, but to me it just felt like they told me what I wanted to hear. I tried a few different coping skills and as much as I wanted it to work nothing seemed to. I just felt worthless.. I even stopped doing what I loved I didnt have the motivation or energy for the gym anymore. I was so depressed I didnt even have an appetite at one point I went 5 days without eating. I couldn't concentrate at work, my mind was everywhere. I was ready to give up.. so one night I called my divisional officer and asked her to take me to the hospital I was going to try my last resort, medication. I took the amount prescribed correctly for a couple weeks to give it a chance to kick in. It seemed like an advantage, because I had no emotions on it.. but also a disadvantage, because I didn't feel, I didn't feel sad, happy, anything I was just there. One night I was alone, crying, and ready to end it, I grabbed my bottle of pills and started walking out the door when my phone rang and something told me to answer it. Tears pouring down my face I answered my phone to hear my cousin's voice and she helped me calm down. I decided I should try to transfer ships and hope to get Virginia as my next duty station closer to my family and my friends from home. I ended up getting Florida where I continued to go to counseling for my depression and axiety. The doctors then told me I didnt have depression and axiety that I just didn't know how to adapt to my surroundings and the military lifestyle. I was always running in circles and having to go off what they say it was exhausting my sleeping habits in California continued in Florida. I was either sleeping way too much resulting in me being late for work or not being able to sleep at all. I had to start over at another ship that again I didn't know or talk to anyone and at this point my trust was gone. It took so much of me to open up to someone, so I kept to myself. As the days progressed I felt like maybe it was better for me if I got out of the military, so that's what I proceeded to do. I needed to do what was best for me at the time. It was a long process, but i did it. In October 2017, I got an honorable discharge from the Navy. I am a Navy Veteran and I have to deal with people asking me all the time "what happened?" "How are you a 21 year old Navy Veteran?" I'm not the type of person to start something and not finish it. I still beat myself up for not finishing my 5 years, but I realize it was part of my journey and things happen for a reason. I am still going to the VA hospital for my depression and axiety, but they also have now said I have some PTSD. This past year being out of the military I've been trying to find myself a decent job while trying to make my dreams of modeling become a reality. My goal is to be a sports illustrated model and this year I actually attended the 1st ever open casting. I was one of the lucky women who advanced to the 2nd round, but no further. It was an amazing experience to be a part of and to say I was one of the few who were chosen to move forward. Although, I havent been modeling for long it has helped my confidence and to embrace who I am. I know to everyone who may see me in public or social media I may look happy or kept together, but on the inside I fall apart. You only see what people what you to see, you never know what's going on in their life, whether it's in their family, relationships, financially, or even in their own head. I still feel alone more than not, I wish I could fix it. I wish I didnt feel like this, but how do you stop your mind from putting you down. One day at a time I tell myself.

I've tried reading positive quotes or telling myself something positive every day to start to alter my mindset and to a certain extent it has helped. Then some days I have a breakdown and all the negative comes rushing back in. Life is going to knock you down over and over again. We need to learn that we are strong enough to get through whatever it is. I admit what I've been through has made me put a wall up and it's incredibly hard for me to talk to people and let them in. I have realized there are situations how I react to things poorly and it's aggravating, because I didn't used to do be like that. I noticed it's mostly towards the people I'm close to that get the angry part of me. I'm glad it's come to my attention, because it's another thing I'm trying to work on. I'm grateful for my friends and family who have been there for me through everything in my journey to support me and help me. I would like to meet more wonderful souls, I finally feel like I may start be willing to open up to people again. Thank you for reading, if anybody ever needs to talk or vent I'm here for you.